A Chapter Closing

This has truly been a horrible week for me. My life has suddenly taken a turn that I didn’t really some coming. I am going to try and put some of these gut-wrenching feelings down on paper.

A little over ten years it became fairly obvious that I needed to go back to work. My two youngest children were in school and so I began looking for a job. Finding a company willing to hire you after you’ve been a stay at home mom for over 10 years proved to be quite trying. A friend at church told me about a company, Abundant Funds Ministries, who hired temp workers to do data entry every fall and so I applied and was hired. That lasted through the holidays and then I was back looking for a job. I then was hired at a local grocery store and while it was an ok job it took me away from home far too much for having small children. I was finding that no matter what I asked for in the way of hours it just wasn’t happening. I was at home during the day while they were in school and I would be at work when they were home and they would be in bed by the time I got home. Soon fall was upon us again and I really wanted to go back to where I had worked the fall before. It became apparent that I was going to be able to go back to Abundant Funds and even though I knew it would again just be temporary I knew it was what I needed to do so I quit the store and went back to Abundant Funds Ministries…. I stayed.
Sadly, it is now about to end, a chapter in the book of my life closing and a new one opening…
Abundant Funds Ministries has been so much more to me than just a job. Over the years it has become a huge part of who I am, of where part of my identity lies. I consider myself one of those rare people who actually love my job and what I do. The people there, they are more than fellow co-workers or bosses they are truly family.

I have processed so much of my life from behind my desk and with all of those I have worked with. As I reflect back there is so much that has happened…

My oldest daughter was just starting high school when I started my job. I have seen her graduate from high school, taken her to college, and watched her grow into a beautiful young woman who loves God and has a passion for young people. I have watched her leave on a plane to travel on mission trips to the Ukraine and to twice now to China. I have been able to share all of these moments with those I work with. My two youngest children were in elementary school in the beginning. They have grown up under the eyes of AFM. My son just graduated from High School this past summer and now our baby is a junior. There have been times when these same children have slept on pallets on the floor because they were sick and unable to go to school but I still had to go to work. There have been homecoming dances, proms, and first loves and broken hearts.

I have seen children of those that I work with grow up, some have even married and now have children of their own. We have experienced birth and death together.

Pastor Frank died and my father in love died, we have battled cancer together, we have been through ups and downs. There have been miles of laughter and even tears along the way.
One of the memories that will never be lost is from September 11, 2001 when we all stood around a forklift with a small television and watched the towers fall. No one will ever forget where they were that and as scary and horrible as it was I am thankful people surrounded me that I love on that day.

Just like any family we have had some really hard times. We have argued, disagreed and gotten mad but we never stopped caring about each other or loving each other.

There have been many stressful days, weeks and moments. Just like any job it has not always been easy and quite frankly there were times when I wasn’t sure I would be there much longer and then God reassured me I was to stay. I am so thankful I did.

Personally I have grown a lot over the years. I have been blessed to have gained so much knowledge from the people I have worked with. They have all taught me something, there isn’t a single person who hasn’t touched my life in some way. I could write something about and to each person who works at AFM and I will to them personally.

So perhaps by now you are asking why this chapter is closing and I wish there was an easy answer but there isn’t. This is not something that any one of us wants. This is something that God is doing in each of our lives and while we don’t have the answers we must have faith and trust and remember that God is in control. No, I have not made the choice to leave AFM, we are all leaving, AFM as we know it will be no more in a very short amount of time.

People have asked me if I am mad, and I can honestly say that I am not in the slightest way mad. I am heartbroken, it feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach and that I cannot catch my breath. I do not want this happen, I really want someone to wake me up and tell me that this has all been a bad dream but I know that is not going to happen. I honestly do not know how to deal with this, I don’t want to go through this. There is no choice.

This week I have found myself in tears, suddenly and without warning. It just happens, the tears start. Every single time I have had to tell someone or have asked for prayer I get choked up. When I have talked to some of our consultants it has been so hard.

So what am I going to do? That seems to be a very tough question at the moment. The sad truth is that we don’t know when the “last” day will be yet. I find myself each day sitting at my desk trying to wrap things up and putting things in order and it hurts. Each time I talk to someone on the phone I have to wonder if that is the last conversation I will have with that person. So many of our schools have people in them that I have formed relationships with. Our consultants mean a lot to me and I will miss them all so much.I know that I have to find another job but my heart tells me to stay until the bitter end. It is what I feel like I have to do unless God opens another door without question. At the same time I say that I also liken this to watching someone close to you fade away, it is painful and you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it so you want to stay as close as you can for as long as you can until there is not another second left. Maybe that sounds crazy but it is how I feel.

My heart is breaking for the Roberts family especially. Yes this is going to be hard on all of us, but this has been their life for as long as they can remember, over 30 years. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and feelings and emotions that they are going through right now. Sitting in that conference room on Tuesday was so hard. Yes we all knew it was bad and we all sensed that something big was about to happen but never this, never seeing the story end. I don’t think I will ever forget the sound of Ben’s voice on that afternoon, I don’t know that I ever heard his voice in that tone before. I found myself unable to even look up at Ben, Jerry or Bill because I knew I would simply fall apart. I tried really hard not to and while I managed it for a short while inside I was dying, I think we all were. Ben prayed at the end and he said he felt like his family was being ripped apart and he was right, that is exactly what it feels like. The Roberts family all mean so much to me, they are truly my family as is all of AFM.

So how do I walk away? I don’t even know how to do this.

When the last day comes I will walk out the doors of the company that has meant so much to me. I cannot imagine walking through those doors on that day and driving away. A huge piece of me will be left behind and new chapter will begin. I can only hope that we will all be able to find time to get together one more time before it is over and I hope that we will all be able to get together from time to time just to catch up.

I am sure I could go on and on but I am still processing the whole thing, trying to catch my breath and I am sure I will be writing more as the days go on and the end approaches.

This hurts and there is simply no other way to explain it.

I am still praying for a miracle.

Thanksgiving 2008

Thanksgiving 2008

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Today is the day we set aside to give thanks for all we have in our lives. Giving thanks and being thankful is something we should be every day.

Personally I have so much to be thankful for. I have a husband who God has blessed me with and three incredible children. Both my parents are still alive and I have a mother-in-love who is amazing. I am blessed with a brother and a sister and many brothers and sisters by marriage. I have more nieces and nephews than I can count without sitting down and writing them all down. My church family is amazing and they never cease to amaze me. I am also blessed to have many children by “heart”, those who I have watched grow over the years and love as they are my own.

Today, in an ever-growing bad economy both Tim and I are blessed with jobs. My job is more to me than a job. I consider myself one of those rare people who truly love their jobs and the people that they work with. I can honestly say that they are more family to me than employers. Many times I have said that God plopped me down at my job because He knew how much I needed it. It has grown me in many ways and while it isn’t always easy and things are sometimes very hard, it is what I love and I believe I am right where God wants me.

I am thankful for the laughter that often fills my house. Yes, at times it can get a bit crazy around here, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Our children are only here with us for a short span of time and I want to enjoy every minute of it. There is nothing sweeter to a mothers ear than her children’s laughter. Yes, sometimes it is loud and sometimes it can be a bit much but it’s all good. I firmly believe they will look back on these days and smile and remember when their own children are their ages now how important it is to allow your home to be open to their children and their friends.

My church means so much to me. I am fully blessed beyond measure to have a place where I can go and worship and learn about God. It is there that I find the ones, who think like I do and who are there to encourage, uplift and love.

Above everything I am thankful for my salvation, a gift from God. I am so thankful that we have a loving God, who in spite of our failures and faults loves us unconditionally. I am thankful for a God whose grace goes beyond what any of us can imagine.

I suppose I could write for hours about all that I have to be thankful for but instead I would like to close with this….

There is so much bad with the world that we live in. We are all faced with having to make cutbacks that we didn’t dream of having to do a year or two ago. Many of our loved ones have lost their jobs and homes. So many people are struggling just to make ends meet. We could choose to complain about it all day long, and it wouldn’t do any good at all. What we must do however is remember that in a very uncertain world we have one very certain thing and that is God. His promises and His word hold true no matter how bad the economy or the world gets. I serve a certain God who already knows how all of this is going to work out and for that I am very thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Option or Priority?

Recently someone shared a very interesting quote with me. It went like this:

"Never make someone a priorty who only makes you an option"

This really set my mind in motion thinking on the meanings that this could hold. I have pondered it now for several days and this is what I have come up with.

• Are you making God a priority or an option in your life? If you are saved, you did, at one time, make God a priority, but is that still holding true? Is God someone who you set above everything and everyone else in your life or do you take Him out on Sunday and then put Him back on the shelf on Monday? God certainly made us a priority. He did give His only Son for us and I would say that is indeed making us a top priority. If God is not a priority in your life I would encourage you to make a few adjustments. Because unless your relationship with God is right, no other relationship will be right either. Which leads me to....
• All the young girls and single women who are out there. (and yes this even can apply to young men as well) I have seen far too many broken hearts and shattered dreams in my life. Too many times we set our priorities on people who are only making us an option. In relationships both people should make the other a priority. If only one person is setting the other as a priority you aren't getting a 50/50 relationship. We are all made beautiful in the eyes of God and His desire for you is to find that one person who He has for you. When you find that person, they will make you a priority. But don't forget not to make this person a priority over God and that person should do the same regarding you. If you are both making God a priority, the rest will all fall into place.
• As wives and husbands we must be sure that our spouses take a priority spot in our lives. Today, in a world where the children, our jobs, our churches and the day to day responsibilities of life can be so crazy we have to be sure that we make spending time with our spouses a priority. If we don't I think we will find ourselves like so many people, we wake up one morning and realize we don't even know the person we are married to any more. The same holds true for our children. I personally don't think our families should ever take a back seat to our busy lives.
• There is one other aspect of this that I have also been pondering... Is there ever a time when we do need to set someone as a priority that makes us an option. The answer I keep coming back to is yes. The answer seems pretty clear to me. There are people in this world, who are not believers who need to be ministered to. They most likely do not set us as priorities in their lives. The may only come around when they need or want something. That may be the only time that they are even half way sociable to us. But I have found over the years that unbelievers will come to believers in times of trouble because they already know how we think and how we feel. They know we will pray for them and be there for them. It is people like that they we must make a priority even though they only make us an option. Thank God He makes us a priority even when we don't make Him one, so it is what we should do.

I suppose I could go on and on about the priority vs. option theory. But all in all I believe that it all comes back to making sure God is our first and foremost priority and remember to thank Him daily for making us a priority in His eyes even though we do not always make Him a priority in our lives.

It's Been a While

It has been quite some time since I have blogged here. I had gone back over to Xanga but that site just frustrates me beyond my patience level these days. So here I am, back to what is much easier for me. Since it had been quite a while I deleted everything prior and decided to start fresh and new.

Blogging or journaling is something I have always loved doing. Sadly, life has gotten in the way of that recently and I have found it easier and easier to just not do it. But, God has recently began to show me that I really do need to slow down just a bit (more on that to come).

So for now, I am back...... and will be posting more on a regular basis.