This has truly been a horrible week for me. My life has suddenly taken a turn that I didn’t really some coming. I am going to try and put some of these gut-wrenching feelings down on paper.
A little over ten years it became fairly obvious that I needed to go back to work. My two youngest children were in school and so I began looking for a job. Finding a company willing to hire you after you’ve been a stay at home mom for over 10 years proved to be quite trying. A friend at church told me about a company, Abundant Funds Ministries, who hired temp workers to do data entry every fall and so I applied and was hired. That lasted through the holidays and then I was back looking for a job. I then was hired at a local grocery store and while it was an ok job it took me away from home far too much for having small children. I was finding that no matter what I asked for in the way of hours it just wasn’t happening. I was at home during the day while they were in school and I would be at work when they were home and they would be in bed by the time I got home. Soon fall was upon us again and I really wanted to go back to where I had worked the fall before. It became apparent that I was going to be able to go back to Abundant Funds and even though I knew it would again just be temporary I knew it was what I needed to do so I quit the store and went back to Abundant Funds Ministries…. I stayed.
Sadly, it is now about to end, a chapter in the book of my life closing and a new one opening…
Abundant Funds Ministries has been so much more to me than just a job. Over the years it has become a huge part of who I am, of where part of my identity lies. I consider myself one of those rare people who actually love my job and what I do. The people there, they are more than fellow co-workers or bosses they are truly family.
I have processed so much of my life from behind my desk and with all of those I have worked with. As I reflect back there is so much that has happened…
My oldest daughter was just starting high school when I started my job. I have seen her graduate from high school, taken her to college, and watched her grow into a beautiful young woman who loves God and has a passion for young people. I have watched her leave on a plane to travel on mission trips to the Ukraine and to twice now to China. I have been able to share all of these moments with those I work with. My two youngest children were in elementary school in the beginning. They have grown up under the eyes of AFM. My son just graduated from High School this past summer and now our baby is a junior. There have been times when these same children have slept on pallets on the floor because they were sick and unable to go to school but I still had to go to work. There have been homecoming dances, proms, and first loves and broken hearts.
I have seen children of those that I work with grow up, some have even married and now have children of their own. We have experienced birth and death together.
Pastor Frank died and my father in love died, we have battled cancer together, we have been through ups and downs. There have been miles of laughter and even tears along the way.
One of the memories that will never be lost is from September 11, 2001 when we all stood around a forklift with a small television and watched the towers fall. No one will ever forget where they were that and as scary and horrible as it was I am thankful people surrounded me that I love on that day.
Just like any family we have had some really hard times. We have argued, disagreed and gotten mad but we never stopped caring about each other or loving each other.
There have been many stressful days, weeks and moments. Just like any job it has not always been easy and quite frankly there were times when I wasn’t sure I would be there much longer and then God reassured me I was to stay. I am so thankful I did.
Personally I have grown a lot over the years. I have been blessed to have gained so much knowledge from the people I have worked with. They have all taught me something, there isn’t a single person who hasn’t touched my life in some way. I could write something about and to each person who works at AFM and I will to them personally.
So perhaps by now you are asking why this chapter is closing and I wish there was an easy answer but there isn’t. This is not something that any one of us wants. This is something that God is doing in each of our lives and while we don’t have the answers we must have faith and trust and remember that God is in control. No, I have not made the choice to leave AFM, we are all leaving, AFM as we know it will be no more in a very short amount of time.
People have asked me if I am mad, and I can honestly say that I am not in the slightest way mad. I am heartbroken, it feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach and that I cannot catch my breath. I do not want this happen, I really want someone to wake me up and tell me that this has all been a bad dream but I know that is not going to happen. I honestly do not know how to deal with this, I don’t want to go through this. There is no choice.
This week I have found myself in tears, suddenly and without warning. It just happens, the tears start. Every single time I have had to tell someone or have asked for prayer I get choked up. When I have talked to some of our consultants it has been so hard.
So what am I going to do? That seems to be a very tough question at the moment. The sad truth is that we don’t know when the “last” day will be yet. I find myself each day sitting at my desk trying to wrap things up and putting things in order and it hurts. Each time I talk to someone on the phone I have to wonder if that is the last conversation I will have with that person. So many of our schools have people in them that I have formed relationships with. Our consultants mean a lot to me and I will miss them all so much.I know that I have to find another job but my heart tells me to stay until the bitter end. It is what I feel like I have to do unless God opens another door without question. At the same time I say that I also liken this to watching someone close to you fade away, it is painful and you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it so you want to stay as close as you can for as long as you can until there is not another second left. Maybe that sounds crazy but it is how I feel.
My heart is breaking for the Roberts family especially. Yes this is going to be hard on all of us, but this has been their life for as long as they can remember, over 30 years. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and feelings and emotions that they are going through right now. Sitting in that conference room on Tuesday was so hard. Yes we all knew it was bad and we all sensed that something big was about to happen but never this, never seeing the story end. I don’t think I will ever forget the sound of Ben’s voice on that afternoon, I don’t know that I ever heard his voice in that tone before. I found myself unable to even look up at Ben, Jerry or Bill because I knew I would simply fall apart. I tried really hard not to and while I managed it for a short while inside I was dying, I think we all were. Ben prayed at the end and he said he felt like his family was being ripped apart and he was right, that is exactly what it feels like. The Roberts family all mean so much to me, they are truly my family as is all of AFM.
So how do I walk away? I don’t even know how to do this.
When the last day comes I will walk out the doors of the company that has meant so much to me. I cannot imagine walking through those doors on that day and driving away. A huge piece of me will be left behind and new chapter will begin. I can only hope that we will all be able to find time to get together one more time before it is over and I hope that we will all be able to get together from time to time just to catch up.
I am sure I could go on and on but I am still processing the whole thing, trying to catch my breath and I am sure I will be writing more as the days go on and the end approaches.
This hurts and there is simply no other way to explain it.
I am still praying for a miracle.
